i've been on summer vacation for a month and have never felt so unproductive and bored in my entire life...hence, the reason why i'm blogging right now. i mean...who the fuck still blogs...especially on a friday night? yeah...it's 10:57 and a normal 19 year old would be out having a social life.
it's weird because i have this urge to constantly be out of the house but at the same time...i'm very particular about the people i hang out with now. i think my being very picky about who i choose to keep in contact with is little by little diminishing my amount of friends...real friends, anyway. of course i still have my sisters, but they party all the fucking time and my nazi of a father doesn't even let me go out of the house.
speaking of my father, something is seriously wrong with him. he only speaks to me when 1) he wants something or 2) i'm in trouble. other than that, he ignores me. i think part of it has to do with the fact that i have a boyfriend now. it could also be the fact that i'm not afraid of him like i was when i was 12 years old. he's losing that whole "i'm the father, ruler of the entire house and dictator of your life" thing and he's finally realizing it. or it could possibly be that he's going through a mid-life crisis. all he does is come home, make himself some shitty ass food because he refuses to have a normal dinner with the family, sit his ass on his stupid massaging chair, and watch the nba playoffs. i truly and wholeheartedly believe that the lakers are the only thing keeping him alive right now. i don't know how he's going to act once the finals are over...by then there will be nothing of substance to provide enough of a distraction from the family.
i tried confronting him about it...by writing a note. by the way, how sad is it that a daughter cannot even confront her own father with her feelings and is forced to express herself to him using only a paper and a pen? apparently, my long ass letter didn't work, as i naively thought it would, because he got even angrier and left that shit on the ground. so not only was i disappointed that my efforts to communicate with him had failed, but i felt downright disrespected that he chose to not even give the slightest thought to how his only daughter and oldest child felt. i mean...honestly, WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK?
it's weird because he only talks to me with some level of respect over the phone. yesterday, he asked me why i was responding to him with one word answers. i replied that i was in a bad mood, and that i was allowed to be because he can be in a bad mood and expects no one to question him. he told me that i was being ridiculous and that i was ignoring him. he then said that he read my note and that we needed to talk. mind you, this is four days after i wrote him that letter...he's seen me every single fucking day and didn't even bother saying anything about it...and he had the fucking balls to tell me that I was ignoring HIM? wow...w-o-w.
i don't know how i can be close to my father after this stupid little episode of his. he's going through a fucking phase that turns him into a PMS-y 14 year old girl. dad...what the hell is wrong with you and why can't you be normal? how can you go through more than two weeks of not having any decent conversation or quality time with anyone in your family? including your wife (who did nothing wrong by the way)? i don't know how the fuck he expects me to react and i'm not going to waste anymore of my time trying to figure it out. he just wants attention and the rest of us have been giving him more than his fucking share. don't get me wrong, i love my father very very much and i respect him...i guess. it's hard to explain. i'm not ungrateful, i'm not a disrespectful child. HOWEVER, what i AM is an adult who has done her fair share in her responsibilities and duties to her family and herself (especially through her academics) who deserves to be treated with at least some respect...give me the basic courtesy of acknowledging my presence in the house without yelling at me for something that doesn't even need to be argued about.
lakjd;flkadsjflaisdjfa;lkdsjf;alkdjf;aldksfjad.
that's all i have to say about that.
next summer, i want to live in a fucking apartment in LA. NO MORE LIVING AT HOME! fuuuuuck that shit. i'm getting my shit together throughout the next school year. i'm going to work hard on my grades, and get an internship in LA. i'm going to work my ass off and make bank so that i can get a nice ass apartment so that i can be away from my crazy ass father.
damn, he really makes me miss school.
i'm sorry if this sounds like pre-teen ranting shit but its the truth. its not like i'm not acknowledging how lucky i am to have the life that i do . i cherish the hell out of it. but, i would rather be on my own, struggle on my own, be my own person...away from my father (even though i know he loves me) than live another day where i'm not even acknowledged or considered a competent individual in my father's house.
con fucking safos.
i really should be getting to my theology take home mid-term that's due on monday, but honestly, fuck that shit...i'm not in the mood. plus, i figured that i would rather type about my ridiculous life for a bit since i haven't done so for quite a while. so what's new with me you ask? god, a lot. let's re-cap, no?
jorge (my dear honda accord) is officially dead - yup. i got into a car accident, but i'd rather not get into details about that right now.
my wrist is fucked up and it's probably going to stay that way because i absolutely refuse to get a cast. whatever, i can manage
AJ tried to start talking to me again. yeah i know, weird. whatever, i knew it was because he broke up with his girlfriend and honestly, i don't need to be around losers right now. sorry, love...but you kind of are. i'm starting to get repulsed just by the thought of you - sorry if that sounds a little harsh. besides, i'm talking to someone who i actually like. this is something i'm not planning to mess up anytime soon, especially since he's the first guy i've genuinely liked since your ass. and you know what? i'm proud of myself that for once in my life, i can finally tell you no..
school is going downhill i think. i've ditched a lot of classes and i'm just not really giving a fuck right now. it sucks, i know and i should get back on track if i want to go to harvard. meh, next year.
sorority stuff is making me frustrated. i think i'm just super involved this semester and its driving me a little crazy. at least i can take somewhat of a break over the summer to gain back some of my sanity.
i've been getting sick a lot more, which is scary. i've been getting more sore throats and been coughing up blood a couple times. i think i should tell someone.
i've learned that i really like being alone. either that or being with just one person, just one.
it's weird, you know? i can never be genuinely happy with everything. something always has to go wrong. maybe it's my fault; maybe i'm always looking for something that's not perfect or i'm waiting for something to get messed up. sometimes i think that i don't appreciate the moment because i tend to forget the things that i'm supposed to treasure for the rest of my life. i know i take life for granted and i shouldn't. i heard that last week, four teenagers were involved in a car accident (three died, i think). one of them was emilio's friend. he used to talk to him all the time in class and now he's gone. how fucking scary is that? life can be ended just like that, but then again, this is a lesson that i've revisited. yumi taught me this firsthand. i just have this hunch that life is passing me by and i need to stop what i'm doing and just learn to appreciate everything.
i'm going to be 20 this year and let me tell you, i'm scared shitless. i mean, i thought turning 18 was hard - i still remember having a mini breakdown the night before/morning of my birthday. i'll be two decades old and it feels like i haven't grown a damn bit. i still rely on my parents way too much and am not responsible when it comes to things like expenses. i'm spoiled, privileged, and naive. but i don't want to be! i want to break free and just be on my own. it could be the little bit of teenage angst i have left in me that's still talking, but still. i'm just afraid to fail. i've never taken failure, rejection, or criticism very well.
hmm, i have the sudden urge to play the piano.
con safos
i have this need for writing poetry every once in a while. now, i'm not a professional or anything; my "work" is neither very eloquent nor very comprehensive. for the most part, i guess i'm rather "emo" with my poems...but i try not be, honest. i guess i just write about what i know most about...and as immature and "pre-teen" as it sounds, i know about, for lack of a better phrase, young love (??), heartbreak, and the need for freedom. ugh, its disgusting how i'm still filled with so much teenage angst. perhaps its because i'm still a teenager (even though it's for one more year) and because my parents still treat me like i'm a freshman in high school - laaaaaame. by the way - feliz ano nuevo!
this one won't be finished for a while. hopefully these random stanzas, words and phrases can turn into something worth reading in the future...
this is where you make the next move
and lord knows i've been waiting
for you to get this close for the longest time
my lips quiver with anticipation
for the sweetest mistake of my life
turn out the lights and throw out the hesitation
inhibitions
id spend the rest of my life sleeping
if it meant that i'd always be dreaming of you
there are times where i feel inspired to write. i just let the emotion flow from my hand to the paper, or screen, rather. the following may make sense, it may not. read what you want into it, think what you want about the meaning behind it, i really don't care.
Glory Days Deceive
Tonight, we ride
The cavalry of the young and restless
Mounted on metallic steeds
Racing across an endless horizon of diamond-crusted asphalt
Our anthem rings through these iridescent streets
As we smoke out, and breathe freedom in.
Raise your glasses and drink to our good fortune,
Because God does not watch over us tonight.
Your hand finds mine
And we face the night together,
Ready to take on the world.
They won't even know what hit them.
We, the invincible, rule the streets
While the city sleeps
This night – our night – will last forever
And we ride
And ride
And ride
We, the cavalry of the young and restless, ride
For one last time.
(insert his name here)
Lurking fingers through belt loops
Reel you in.
His catch of the day:
Naivety.
Locked lips secure no promises
And no future
You can smell the deceit off his cheap cologne
And feel the heat of lies from his breath on your welcoming neck
Like fumes from the exhaust pipe of an old Prelude.
But you submit anyway
And get lost
In a whirlwind of guitar strums and body heat.
Be careful, young girl.
He’ll take you,
And add another name on his list of broken hearts and broken spirits
Who does he think he is for hurting you?
But who do you think you are to think you could change him?
For You.
For You.
to reject
and reflect
on what was unsaid and undone
i find it impossible
to respect
the aspect
of you leaving me for good
absence makes my heart grow fonder
while yours wanders
from girl to girl
losing yourself with each adulterating kiss;
and it looks like you've lost it all
and i'm trying
and tying
the ends of my life together again
for better or worse
for sure I’m forgetting
when you said,
"this is something worth saving"
so go ahead,
run your fingers through her hair,
and slide your palm down her back
closing your eyes
and pretending it's me
won't fix your lies,
authenticate your alibis
before you come at me
and expect me to believe a single word you say.
i don't have the time to wait
and alleviate
the damage that you've done
played to fool
to think i could change you
I’m not one for romantics
Or being over dramatic
But I must confess,
I miss you.
Excuse me, that must be the Goose talking
One shot for every time you lied
- and the best part is,
It tastes like you.
bent over backwards
to make you happy
and look where it got me.
now it's your turn to lean forward
and watch as life fucks you over
my mind has been dwelling on so many things lately, whether they be from two years ago, 'till just last night. regardless of how you put it, i fucked up, and now i need to move the fuuuuuuuuuuuuck on.
let go
Ne-Yo
I know it's past tense
It's been a minute since
We were a couple and
Walking and holding hands
Kisses and I love you's
Doing what lovers do
Baby
But baby that was then
'Cause now we don't
Talk no more
You got a new man and
It shouldn't bother me
But girl it's driving me crazy
And everybody says
Boy why don't you just leave it alone
But I don't think I can
I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout you and
I know it ain't right
Baby but I don't
I don't think that I
Don't think I can let go (Don't think I can let you go)
I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout you and
I know it ain't right
Baby but I don't
I don't think that I
That I can let go
I'm holding on to hope
I know it's foolish though
Thinking that someday she might come back
Wish on it all the time
Knowin' it never may happen
But see I'm not a fool
'Cause now we don't
Talk no more
You got a new man but
I'm gonna keep the faith
I've got the patience
That some lack
But everybody says
Boy why don't you just leave it alone
But I don't think I can
I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout you and
I know it ain't right
Baby but I don't
I don't think that I
Don't think I can let go (Said I don't think that I can let you go)
I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout you and
I know it ain't right
Baby but I don't
I don't think that I
That I can let go
I (I) don't think that I can let you go
I can let you go
No....
I don't think that I can let go
And everybody says... (Hey)
I don't think that I can...
I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout you and
I know it ain't right
Baby but I don't
I don't think that I
Don't think I can let go (I don't think that I can let you go)
I sit up all night
Thinkin' bout you and
I know it ain't right
Baby but I don't
I don't think that I
That I can let go
I don't think that I can let you go
I can't let you go
I don't think I can let go
I don't think that I can let you go
(just switch the genders in this song, and there you go.)
thanks for messing with my head, mr. v
and i can't get myself to fucking sleep. maybe i'm just too pissed off, maybe i'm just too frustrated. whatever, you're not supposed to go to sleep feeling that way anyways. usually, i have no problem letting my emotions surge from my heart, to my fingertips, to the keyboard, and finally, to the computer screen - but this time, it's a little harder. there's so much i want to say, yet i can't find it in myself to ...well, say it.
so by now i'm sure you're confused about what the hell i'm talking about and you're debating whether or not you should keep on reading. you might as well stop because the next few sentences are just going to filled with bitching and complaining about life.
school needs to end now.
______ needs to end now.
stupid ex-boyfriends need to stop fucking blowing up my cell phone.
stupid girls need to back the fuck off and mind their own goddamn business.
high school bullshit needs to put to fucking rest already.
some people just need to step up and take care of their shit because its bringing everybody down.
it is unfortunate to say that this is only a quarter of what i'm feeling right now. i guess that means it's time for bed. 2:12 - i'm drained. i feel like the life has been sucked out of me, and with that, my ability to articulate in a coherent manner.
the title pretty much explains it all.
it's weird to find free time nowadays, you know, with everything going on. you'd think after hours of studying, memorizing, and putting projects together and whatnot, i would just sleep or watch tv or something. but NO - i have to go exploring onto my computer to read old aim conversations that my mac has automatically saved for i don't know how long. why the hell don't i use my free time wisely, especially when i have so little of it? it's when i find shit like this:
: your beautiful and you always will be to me :)
: no matter what
or this:
: you make me sooooo happy you dont even know...
that i'm thrust back into a whirlwind of emotions of the past. it's' something that i really DO NOT want to get sucked into again. but yet, i find myself coming back to everything once i think that i've forgotten it all - and this isn't the first time this has happened, either. why, why, WHY GOD? why is it that I'M the only person who can't just forget? it's not that hard, i've done it before. i just don't understand why it's so hard this time around. is it because i was played for a fool - twice? is it because every once in a while i find myself still doing so?
what's even stupider is the fact that i haven't deleted any of these conversations. it makes perfect sense for me to just delete them, that way i would never have to see them and reminisce about the way things were, have been, and could have been. so why don't i just do it? i blame all this on myself, i subconsciously choose not to delete. i subconsciously choose to remember these things every once in a while. why i do so is beyond me. maybe i want to remember because i want to remind myself to never ever make the same mistake again, and if you put it in that context, i suppose it has worked. but what if i'm being a pathetic little brat who likes to pity herself? ew - if that's the case then i need to grow the fuck up. i guess it's a bit of each, really.
let's just thank god that i have so much on my plate right now that i can't afford to dwell on matters of the past. but hm, just because i can't afford to doesn't mean i won't do it.
xanga, then livejournal, now vox. what can i say? i love change and i think i should go far enough to say that i need it. i guess i'm the kind of person that needs to be occupied with something, anything. i'm really not sure what more to say - i'm kind of over this now. it's like "yeah, woo! i made it. kay, now let me get some sleep" god knows i need it. this lack of sleep has been killing me, and my random naps don't help either. i'll update this shit when i feel more inspired.
